Growth🍀

It was the first day of surgery. I had never been in an actual theater before. For me I felt like a kid in a candy store. There I was with my pink scrubs looking as cute as ever.

I had taken pictures and made so many videos that morning, looking forward to actually seeing someone cut another person open. It was going to be different from the ones I saw in movies. This was real life. I was so excited and I had looked forward to the day I’ll finally wear my scrubs and look like an actual doctor😂

I walked into the theater and all I remember feeling was thrill. As the surgery began I was so intrigued. I don’t even remember why. The surgeon looked like someone with superpowers to me because being able to cut a person open and “repair” their insides can’t be ordinary. As the surgery progressed, I started feeling dizzy, lightheaded, weak and nauseous. I had too many questions to ask

“What was happening to me?” and “Why is it happening now?”

I left the theater into the changing room to sit and get some air. The symptoms reduced and the moment I stood up and stepped back into the theater, I began to feel worse. I managed to make it through the rest of the surgery but if felt like war. My will against my body. My mind kept wondering and asking me questions that I didn’t have the answers to

“What kind of Doctor cannot stand the theater?”

I remember these words so vividly because it felt like accusations, like a finger was pointed at me and my subconscious self was mocking me.

I couldn’t give a name to what exactly it was but it felt more like fear than any other feeling.

I felt like I had failed myself. Who would I blame for being a weakling? I felt alone because everyone else seemed to be having a good time.

I got to my room and I wept. I cried and cried (Dramatic much🙄😂)

I called a friend of mine who was a few classes ahead of me and as I narrated what had happened to him, he asked me one simple question.

“Did you eat this morning?”

I paused and wondered why he would ask me such. I was going through a ‘Mid-medical school crisis’ and the only thing he could ask about was food.

I answered slowly with a subtle and unsure “no”. He said “That’s why. You were hypoglycemic”

As much as I hated that he was right, he actually was. I have a bad habit of always skipping meals, especially breakfast.

I hadn’t eaten that morning as usual and my body reacted in the normal way it should.

Did I learn my lesson? No

And did it happen again? Yes

18 months later, There I was, standing in the same theater that I was shaking in, scrubbed up with my consultant, standing strong and assisting a surgery. This is the same girl that cried, the same girl that was afraid, the one that disappointed herself, the one that doubted herself. For me, It wasn’t just about the pictures, videos or how cute I looked (I’d make such a beautiful surgeon btw😂). It was about growth.

My mum saw my pictures and told me “I could see fulfillment in your eyes” and she was right. At that moment I was happy, I was fulfilled and I could finally tell myself “I told you so”.

I’m so grateful I had such amazing people around me that day. It was a big deal to them but an even bigger deal to me. I felt strong, like I could do anything in that moment. The Shade I was 18 months ago was happy. She thanked God for helping her and bringing her this far and she knew He was just starting with her

Dear Shade, you’ll do greater works than me❤️

-Shade❤️

Ps: I still didn’t have breakfast that morning😂😂

Another day I’ll write about how I was the first in my class to assist in an OBGYN surgery.